@seanyeatts: Growing up means you start to find it creepy that your dad's pet name for your mom is "Squirty"
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@Brenton_Rodgers: Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
@bossy_boots99: I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
@robotmouthfarts: EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this? Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
@caperbc75: Do you think the guy responsible for squirting water in NFL players' mouths has "rehydration specialist" listed on his LinkedIn profile?