i really liked this one
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Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast