@seanyeatts: Growing up means you start to find it creepy that your dad's pet name for your mom is "Squirty"
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@thenatewolf: Detective: someone's been stealing boats, can we look in your basement? Me: I don't have a basement *sound of foghorn from basement*
@TomTheWicked: If I've learned anything from Twitter, it's that you shouldn't be learning on Twitter.
@BobTheSuit: *gets email* -Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?- *responds* "Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?"
@JimmyTheThing: Gay or straight, No state should legally recognize a marriage if they don't serve alcohol at the wedding.