@seanyeatts: Growing up means you start to find it creepy that your dad's pet name for your mom is "Squirty"
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@kumailn: Donald Sterling saying racism is not a problem is like mosquitoes saying malaria is not a problem.
@Troman88: I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they're all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
@KentWGraham: Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
@philmann: PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word ME: capsicum P: no M: tumescent gerund caliphate P: stop trying to guess the word M: maelstrom