Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
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tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Effort made
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
When can I start eating bats again.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?