Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
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Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔