In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
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Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Labreador
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.