* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
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I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Steam Forums
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆