Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
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On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
i want to work in this restaurant
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following