ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
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“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
When the stylist spins you back around
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
HOW DARE YOU
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.