Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
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Spring of Deception
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
This is I, Robot all over again
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Our lord and savoury.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩