Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
You Might Also Like
KFC hitting the cannibal market
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
#SaturdayBears
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀