Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
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Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT