[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
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My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
A French press is when you hug naked
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
My dress code is business-casualty.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL