Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
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WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time