God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
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Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me