[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
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[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?