Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
You Might Also Like
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
What a website
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.