Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
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Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Who did it better?
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them