Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
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me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
when mom throws a party…
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?