90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
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When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here