Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
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Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
CUTE CAT‼︎
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.