GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
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Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Y’all know who you are.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
a god among men
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.