@Clint_Bing: Guy asked me today if I've ever owned a dog. I was like lmao yeah I own dogs all the time they can't even say shit back
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@TheTweetOfGod: When you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, it means you've been using Apple Maps.
@Fred_Delicious: "Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?" "you mean cheese?" [waiter struggling to keep bowl covered] "that does make more sense actually"
@robdelaney: Walter White should get a monument & every healthcare exec should receive the sentence for his crimes. They made him.
@215potter: Thank god my brother's getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.