@Clint_Bing: Guy asked me today if I've ever owned a dog. I was like lmao yeah I own dogs all the time they can't even say shit back
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@joshgondelman: If I have a son, he's going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it'll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
@abbycohenwl: I'm training my cats to use the bathroom like people. It really works! [cut to bathroom: two cats do cocaine off the toilet tank]
@PhilJamesson: "Girl, are you a tree? cause-" "no i'm not a tree" "..cause i want-" "why are you still talking i'm not a tree" ".. i want t-" "not a tree"
@13spencer: Have you guys seen that great television show, "Candy Crush Saga With The Sound From Another Television Show Playing In The Background?"