Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
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Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
This is my brand.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*