Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
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Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
britain’s three elite institutions
Sending in my taxes
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Oh yeh? Explain this then
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.