I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
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facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.