If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
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god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Need this in my life lol
beware of dog
(jukin media)
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
If only
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
umm…
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”