You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
You Might Also Like
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food