Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
You Might Also Like
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Hit me in the face with a bird
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”