@MrsTomServo: Guy cut me off & I shouted, "you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND." Cause he needs to know I'm angry, yet progressive.
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@Parkerlawyer: *buys almond milk* "I'm gonna get healthy!" *drinks almond milk* "This is gross." *pours Hershey's chocolate syrup in milk* "Perfect."
@murrman5: [determined not to have any awkward silence during date] "so, what's your favorite part of a banana?"
@GaryJanetti: When I was in my twenties we didn't have hipsters we had AIDS, which was almost as bad.
@JustDontBugMe: [on the phone with cable company] Me: how do I cancel my cable? Rep: first you go to our website and look for our FAQ section- *30 minutes later* Rep: -and then you have to steal the Declaration of Independence to get to the map on the back. The map will lead you to a clue-