Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
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My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.