GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
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Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq