guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
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Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.