me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
You Might Also Like
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂