@AJslackie: Guy Fieri sisters name is Girl Fieri
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@causticbob: I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way. I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
@Brampersandon_: STUDENT: Will there be a final? PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods? BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
@perfect_messs: [during sex] Him, referring to my Spanx: Don't you want to take those off first? Me: It took me 3 hrs to get these on. This is my skin now.