GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
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“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
bout dat hot dog summer
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking