guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
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It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her