Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
You Might Also Like
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
getting old is fun
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?