Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
You Might Also Like
(2022)
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Mistakes were made
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain