[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
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*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy