If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
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I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
My love language is deader than Latin
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians