*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
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Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.