Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
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Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
broke down and did it
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
I’m an avid indoorsman.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer