My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
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“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Livid.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly