Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
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Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.