doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
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Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Sooo many times…..
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!