Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
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NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender