[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
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If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?