@iscoff: [Guy on the Death Star who's really sick of hearing Vader's breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I'm going to put on some music
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@daemonic3: [first date] *Ok don't let her know you're a vampire* "Would you like a mint?" *reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000* "Dammit"
@MatCro: [GF comes home to find our son alone] Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk! ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
@hipchkk: The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
@merican_ninjy: "Let the chips fall where they may." -My kids when they're eating chips on the couch.