Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
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[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
pelicons
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”