Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
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Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
don’t be scared
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups