[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
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I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….