Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
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*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers