*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
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I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
me: my friends:
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?