*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
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My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.